Bad things happen for a reason. Those experiences are the things that lets you grow and makes you flourish as a person. Without this happenings to balance out the good that comes into your doorstep, life would be boring.
This is what an optimist person would say. One that hasn't dealt with the harshness of life and thinks that everything just solves with thinking good thoughts and happiness that is yet to come after you surmount that hill. Well I say BULLSHIT! This is not to pull down other people who think that way nor to disregard that way of thinking. Whatever floats your boat as they say.
But. Don't. Ever. Assume. That. It. Works. On. Every. One.
Not every one thinks like you, does things like you, feel like you, nor are able of the things that only you are capable of. Its not really the topic of this post but its a good introduction. I tried. I tried to live again. To try to go through the days without a single thought of dying to come to mind. Others would think that this is easy but to those who have went to the process of seriously deliberating the choice of living or dying and finding the sense of the mess that tries to swallow them whole, it's a different level of hard. I try not to doubt myself, to push through my actions without thinking of how all the other people will perceive those actions but it's not easy. It should be easy. No normal people would think about speaking and having anxiety and doubts and self loathing after JUST THE SIMPLE ACTION AS SPEAKING!
This has always been my problem. I was never this self conscious as this in my younger years. But I guess when all you have is yourself to notice everyday, it can't be helped to notice all those subconscious actions, mannerisms, ticks, that you wouldn't normally notice if your just an ounce bit of normal. I try to be entertaining. To act lively. To feel like there is nothing wrong with me. But when your very existence screams the wrongness that is you, you can't just turn a deaf's ear.
"You're not NORMAL so don't even try it!" It shouts, or even "Ha! Do you really think they actually want to be with you? Oh please, they're just putting up with your pathetic ass self!"
And isn't that just great? The amazing thing that is having your personal NOT cheerleader! Now you're just someone who is licking your wounds only to be wounded by your own doing. Again. You blame yourself because who else? Everybody has their nice lives who doesn't have to suffer like you do because apparently, the universe hates you. Your just one cosmic joke. Those people that said you deserve happiness? That They love you and care about you? That you're good? WHERE ARE THEY?
You really think that they meant that?! They're just saying things that you wanted to hear. They don't really want to be with you. Stop being delusional. Why? Why do I have to keep having this thoughts and feelings? I thought I was getting better. I thought I was learning how to walk again only to forget that I'm not fully healed and the crutches that I have are missing. Maybe I'm not meant to walk? Maybe I'm just supposed to crawl and gather all those gravels on my body without ever experience the free feeling of running? Maybe. Just maybe?
