Downward Spiral. Again.

Bad things happen for a reason. Those experiences are the things that lets you grow and makes you flourish as a person. Without this happenings to balance out the good that comes into your doorstep, life would be boring.

This is what an optimist person would say. One that hasn't dealt with the harshness of life and thinks that everything just solves with thinking good thoughts and happiness that is yet to come after you surmount that hill. Well I say BULLSHIT! This is not to pull down other people who think that way nor to disregard that way of thinking. Whatever floats your boat as they say.

But. Don't. Ever. Assume. That. It. Works. On. Every. One.

Not every one thinks like you, does things like you, feel like you, nor are able of the things that only you are capable of. Its not really the topic of this post but its a good introduction. I tried. I tried to live again. To try to go through the days without a single thought of dying to come to mind. Others would think that this is easy but to those who have went to the process of seriously deliberating the choice of living or dying and finding the sense of the mess that tries to swallow them whole, it's a different level of hard. I try not to doubt myself, to push through my actions without thinking of how all the other people will perceive those actions but it's not easy. It should be easy. No normal people would think about speaking and having anxiety and doubts and self loathing after JUST THE SIMPLE ACTION AS SPEAKING!

This has always been my problem. I was never this self conscious as this in my younger years. But I guess when all you have is yourself to notice everyday, it can't be helped to notice all those subconscious actions, mannerisms, ticks, that you wouldn't normally notice if your just an ounce bit of normal. I try to be entertaining. To act lively. To feel like there is nothing wrong with me. But when your very existence screams the wrongness that is you, you can't just turn a deaf's ear.

"You're not NORMAL so don't even try it!" It shouts, or even "Ha! Do you really think they actually want to be with you? Oh please, they're just putting up with your pathetic ass self!"

And isn't that just great? The amazing thing that is having your personal NOT cheerleader! Now you're just someone who is licking your wounds only to be wounded by your own doing. Again. You blame yourself because who else? Everybody has their nice lives who doesn't have to suffer like you do because apparently, the universe hates you. Your just one cosmic joke. Those people that said you deserve happiness? That They love you and care about you? That you're good? WHERE ARE THEY?

You really think that they meant that?! They're just saying things that you wanted to hear. They don't really want to be with you. Stop being delusional. Why? Why do I have to keep having this thoughts and feelings? I thought I was getting better. I thought I was learning how to walk again only to forget that I'm not fully healed and the crutches that I have are missing. Maybe I'm not meant to walk? Maybe I'm just supposed to crawl and gather all those gravels on my body without ever experience the free feeling of running? Maybe. Just maybe?

All The Bright Places

I'm torn between wanting Finch to survive and not.
I like Finch, because he's witty, smart, adventurous, and just a dash of being realist, and he also suffers from things which I could somehow relate to.

The thing with suicidal characters is that, I like them. I like them enough to wish that they shouldn't die because there's still a lot of stuff that is better to do even if I know in first hand that it's not...

I don't want them to die because of my own selfishness.
Which is mostly the case for those who wants to 'help' those 'victims'.
Because it's they're own selfishness that drives those people over the edge. So F*ck you all!
>_< hahahah

There is also a part of me that wants them to die. Because for one fact I'm fascinated of death and the other is because suicide is a form of making a statement. It's a force that drives you to nothingness, to giving up, to being put up with life. It's an act of "Just for once, I want to be selfish too. Even if it's the last thing I do."

I'm not romanticizing 'it'(I feel like I'm being to redundant). I just feel like someone should also view it from the victim's perspective, and not just because you think it's not morally right.(I would not deal with morality for now)

Suicide is something that should be dealt critically and not offhandedly. Making cruel remarks such us "Go die" or "you should just kill yourself" and when you did try, you would be branded as "freak" or "disgusting".

Oh the Irony (Go die humans, scum of the earth)

Just look to the part where Rape cases are dealt with seriousness. You don't just simply joke about rape, so why does this not apply to suicide? Why? When suicide takes life while rape takes only innocence?
(I'm not depreciating the value of rape or anything, I'm just stating an idea. If you're intelligent enough, you won't take offense)

So, I got side tracked too much instead of just explaining my feeling about the book,anyways that's all for now...
and I still need to finish the book.

P.S. I'm abruptly ending this because I can't think of a good way to wrap this up. My fumes have been extinguished...

AHHAHAHAH

Characters with weak and annoying attributes.

Another rant courtesy of me in regards to certain characters and personalities, may it be fictional or in reality.


I abhor those of kinds wherein they deem themselves as something of higher superiority or greater in strength when dealt with certain oppression when in true state, they are in much lower position than the ones they acclaimed to be.
(I'm proud of creating that sentence.)

The above aforementioned is in relation to a certain character of the one I'm currently reading--I should stop using terms of vague descriptions and use words that would be known by persons of lesser handling of profound words(I'm certainly being a stuck-up, self praising jerk  here). Anyways, as I was saying, I hate them. They think they could outmatch their opponents but they can't. THEY ARE WEAK for hell's sake.

The fact that they can't accept that they are weak, and when slapped to their face that physically obvious fact to most people but them, they would then start to wallow in self-pity and misery of being helpless and powerless. I have nothing against self-pity because I to have my moments, but I accept them. Accept that your weak, don't run from it, embrace your weakness.

"There is strength in accepting that you're weak."

According to Riku of No Game No Life(He appeared at the 6th vol. of the LN) There are things that weak are good at, and that's doing everything they can. It's their weakness that resolves them to do the unthinkable. Being weak gave birth to ingenuity, innovation, backhand tactics, trickery and swaying off from the norms. Those who are weak would use any method no matter how cowardly that is. There is no honor in being weak but it worships efficiency.

Back on the main topic concerning weak characters, what I really hate about them is that most of them are stupid. They trust too much, they judge too much, and when they've been betrayed-- which oftentimes happen, they go berserk which basically if you look back is their own fault.

The other thing is, they don't adapt quickly. They can't change easily. They still stick to what they are used to even if it would probably cause them their lives. Most of the time they need saving. They are even too optimistic at times. They get attached more quickly too. I could go on and on about their detestable attributes but I would have to stop now.

I prefer them at least learning from their mistake or admit that they aren't that good or know that they are not that good. That they know their limitations. Or they accept that weakness and it's their choice whether to act on it or not.

The art of waiting.

Patience is a Virtue, or so they say.

But I think it's more like a slow agony, a subtle sort of punishment that lets you anticipate every moment of the possibility of it happening. Then altogether, the time allotted, the time wasted, was all been blown to dust. Nothing happened, nothing at all.

'

Wait, I think this is getting far off from what I am supposed to be relenting but I guess this could also play for how I became impatient sometimes. I think we became impatient because we are expecting something. We are waiting for something to happen and when we have been failed, deceived, betrayed, we then had this feeling of disappointment and loss of trust.

The ending thought of that would then be not expecting at all. Which then comes the event of not asking at all. 

And it's kind of annoying because you want something but you can't even ask because of the fear that they might take it at a different notion and misinterpret is as you being bitchy and is asking for too much when in fact you haven't asked anything for quite a long time.

(and this signifies for my loss of propriety but this is supposedly me venting.)

But why still ask when they know that it is their obligation? Why do I still need to remind them of things that they've already been doing for a long time. I don't want them to think of me as something that is thinking so almighty that they might end up doing some sort of aversion and make it as my fault when it really isn't.

Other than that, I don't really prefer asking questions at all. Maybe because most people think of me as something that knows a lot and asking a question would then change their image of me. It a bit saddening that when I hate it when someone acts differently to what they really are, I am doing it. 

In my case, I try to be helpful with most people, aiding them whenever they need my help. I answer their questions truthfully(except questions that involves with myself) I try to be best to them because the one thing I don't want is them hating me--and I was never really hated by anyone as far as I know aside from my pretty annoying antics. But on the occasional times when I really do ask questions, I receive nothing. Maybe it's because I ask at the wrong time? But if that's the thing, whenever they ask me questions or my help, I do stop everything and does what they needed if I can do it.

It's really annoying at my part. But then if I don't do it, I might be coming off as rude to them. does that mean, it's better for them to be rude to me than me to them? That is some sick move. Maybe it's because I notice more than most people do. That I read between the lines and actions too much. But even so, that doesn't change the fact of their actions.

My Views about Love.

I am a Lover of Love... I love the feeling of loving.
But I am a Hater of Humans and that just contradicts everything. In result, I love what love can do to a person, how it reduces them to something that makes them a bit more miserable, a bit more distrusting, a bit more deluded.

I love how much darkness love could bring, I love how it could cause tragic wars, broken hearts, shattered minds and withered souls. For the past few years, I could only see what negative feelings one could possibly have whenever love has infected his being. Even if love was never meant that way, humans are honed to that.

How many have died in its name? How many wars had been started at its wake. And I'm not only patronizing the love sheltered in a heart of a man loving another but in its every aspects. Because love sure is omnipotent.

Love for others, Love for material things, Love for country, Love for oneself... Countless have suffered from its wake, each and every step of it leaves only a river of tears and misery.

But, never had I ever said that I hate Love, because I could never hate love... Love is what makes me feel and that feeling is something that I would never regret for love goes hand in hand. For one could not feel love without ever feeling hatred...

According to Elie Wiesel, "The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference."

I may think that I am the likes of a monster, a despicable being that feeds on the negativity of life, and I may constantly show indifference but that maybe because I'm afraid that if I don't show indifference and lose control, It will cause a devastating effect. I'm afraid that if I feel too much, I'll hurt too much. And you know what, not feeling hurts too, trying not to feel hurts. And my thought and emotions are mostly unrefined, intrusive, and a subject to misunderstanding that could cause a rift to those who doesn't now the other facets of my personality and it bring me to fear that I would truly and irrevocably be left alone for all eternity.

And this goes back to the topic of Love. for love is something that doesn't always covet, steal, or takes away. It's doesn't always side on a single point but an equal being. In the old saying, "All is fair in Love and War." It doesn't take sides and anything could happen.

That gives me to a conclusion that one could not truly love if you only side to what you believe without understanding the other side. That Love isn't all about the darkness, the shade, the night but it also gives light, a way, a guide, a destination.

And I may not completely change my views what with the constant reminder of All the things that Love could do but If I have even an ounce of trying to squint through it's endless puddle of black, I could see a tiny speck of light, A star that could shine and bring a bit of sparkle, a chance to Loving and being Loved.

In Regards to Fictional Character Death

I'm currently grieving for the death of another fictional character...
And it's far more worse!

Getting to attached for a being that was never real from the start. But having it dead is far worse, because it's like a loss of an existing, disappearing without notice.

You've left with nothing, nothing at all. It's different from a real life death because at least, you still have their memories, the chance that you've been with them, a chance to know them and the memories that you've felt when you're with them.

But with a fictional character, it''s different. They don't know you, and you haven't got the chance to really be with them.

Imagine having an unrequited love to someone, someone you've never got the chance to talk to and that someone died right in front your very eyes without having the chance to tell them you love them. Not even having a chance to touch them or to have them look into your eyes.
Not even once.

IT FUCKING HURTS!! It hurts, and you constantly experience this because ALL THOSE DAMNED AUTHORS KEEPS ON KILLING THEIR FUCKING CHARACTERS!!
MAY ALL OF YOU BURN IN HELL!!

HATE

Have you ever wanted to feel a specific emotion but you stop yourself before it gets worse because by doing so, that feeling would only cause pain and you know it already?
But even if you know all this things, you still want to feel, tricking yourself that you would be fine, that you are already used to the pain.

Even if you're used to the pain, the feeling of loneliness, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at all. The pain is still there, it's just a bit numb. Or maybe it's just sitting there, postponing all the pain you've accumulated till it's a massive tumor that weigh everything down to you..

You yearn for it. To feel. You want to feel to know that you're still alive, that you're still there and not fading into despair. That if you don't think about it too much, you won't even notice that it's there.

But you notice to much, you feel too much, you think to much.

And you keep on feeling even if your mind tells you not to. That it's wrong. Or maybe You have set rules that will stop you from feeling altogether. That feeling something is an abomination, something that you don't deserve. Happiness and such, you've created set of rules in your mind that keeps telling you that it will never be yours, that you should never have it.

You curse yourself into it. You put it upon yourself. And it's only pride that keeps you from breaking down. Because you know that it is your own fault. You've poisoned your m,ind and it's anything but wrong to ask for help because that would make you look arrogant. It's WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

And you Hate yourself for it.