My Views about Love.

I am a Lover of Love... I love the feeling of loving.
But I am a Hater of Humans and that just contradicts everything. In result, I love what love can do to a person, how it reduces them to something that makes them a bit more miserable, a bit more distrusting, a bit more deluded.

I love how much darkness love could bring, I love how it could cause tragic wars, broken hearts, shattered minds and withered souls. For the past few years, I could only see what negative feelings one could possibly have whenever love has infected his being. Even if love was never meant that way, humans are honed to that.

How many have died in its name? How many wars had been started at its wake. And I'm not only patronizing the love sheltered in a heart of a man loving another but in its every aspects. Because love sure is omnipotent.

Love for others, Love for material things, Love for country, Love for oneself... Countless have suffered from its wake, each and every step of it leaves only a river of tears and misery.

But, never had I ever said that I hate Love, because I could never hate love... Love is what makes me feel and that feeling is something that I would never regret for love goes hand in hand. For one could not feel love without ever feeling hatred...

According to Elie Wiesel, "The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference."

I may think that I am the likes of a monster, a despicable being that feeds on the negativity of life, and I may constantly show indifference but that maybe because I'm afraid that if I don't show indifference and lose control, It will cause a devastating effect. I'm afraid that if I feel too much, I'll hurt too much. And you know what, not feeling hurts too, trying not to feel hurts. And my thought and emotions are mostly unrefined, intrusive, and a subject to misunderstanding that could cause a rift to those who doesn't now the other facets of my personality and it bring me to fear that I would truly and irrevocably be left alone for all eternity.

And this goes back to the topic of Love. for love is something that doesn't always covet, steal, or takes away. It's doesn't always side on a single point but an equal being. In the old saying, "All is fair in Love and War." It doesn't take sides and anything could happen.

That gives me to a conclusion that one could not truly love if you only side to what you believe without understanding the other side. That Love isn't all about the darkness, the shade, the night but it also gives light, a way, a guide, a destination.

And I may not completely change my views what with the constant reminder of All the things that Love could do but If I have even an ounce of trying to squint through it's endless puddle of black, I could see a tiny speck of light, A star that could shine and bring a bit of sparkle, a chance to Loving and being Loved.

In Regards to Fictional Character Death

I'm currently grieving for the death of another fictional character...
And it's far more worse!

Getting to attached for a being that was never real from the start. But having it dead is far worse, because it's like a loss of an existing, disappearing without notice.

You've left with nothing, nothing at all. It's different from a real life death because at least, you still have their memories, the chance that you've been with them, a chance to know them and the memories that you've felt when you're with them.

But with a fictional character, it''s different. They don't know you, and you haven't got the chance to really be with them.

Imagine having an unrequited love to someone, someone you've never got the chance to talk to and that someone died right in front your very eyes without having the chance to tell them you love them. Not even having a chance to touch them or to have them look into your eyes.
Not even once.

IT FUCKING HURTS!! It hurts, and you constantly experience this because ALL THOSE DAMNED AUTHORS KEEPS ON KILLING THEIR FUCKING CHARACTERS!!
MAY ALL OF YOU BURN IN HELL!!

HATE

Have you ever wanted to feel a specific emotion but you stop yourself before it gets worse because by doing so, that feeling would only cause pain and you know it already?
But even if you know all this things, you still want to feel, tricking yourself that you would be fine, that you are already used to the pain.

Even if you're used to the pain, the feeling of loneliness, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at all. The pain is still there, it's just a bit numb. Or maybe it's just sitting there, postponing all the pain you've accumulated till it's a massive tumor that weigh everything down to you..

You yearn for it. To feel. You want to feel to know that you're still alive, that you're still there and not fading into despair. That if you don't think about it too much, you won't even notice that it's there.

But you notice to much, you feel too much, you think to much.

And you keep on feeling even if your mind tells you not to. That it's wrong. Or maybe You have set rules that will stop you from feeling altogether. That feeling something is an abomination, something that you don't deserve. Happiness and such, you've created set of rules in your mind that keeps telling you that it will never be yours, that you should never have it.

You curse yourself into it. You put it upon yourself. And it's only pride that keeps you from breaking down. Because you know that it is your own fault. You've poisoned your m,ind and it's anything but wrong to ask for help because that would make you look arrogant. It's WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

And you Hate yourself for it.