HATE

Have you ever wanted to feel a specific emotion but you stop yourself before it gets worse because by doing so, that feeling would only cause pain and you know it already?
But even if you know all this things, you still want to feel, tricking yourself that you would be fine, that you are already used to the pain.

Even if you're used to the pain, the feeling of loneliness, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at all. The pain is still there, it's just a bit numb. Or maybe it's just sitting there, postponing all the pain you've accumulated till it's a massive tumor that weigh everything down to you..

You yearn for it. To feel. You want to feel to know that you're still alive, that you're still there and not fading into despair. That if you don't think about it too much, you won't even notice that it's there.

But you notice to much, you feel too much, you think to much.

And you keep on feeling even if your mind tells you not to. That it's wrong. Or maybe You have set rules that will stop you from feeling altogether. That feeling something is an abomination, something that you don't deserve. Happiness and such, you've created set of rules in your mind that keeps telling you that it will never be yours, that you should never have it.

You curse yourself into it. You put it upon yourself. And it's only pride that keeps you from breaking down. Because you know that it is your own fault. You've poisoned your m,ind and it's anything but wrong to ask for help because that would make you look arrogant. It's WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

And you Hate yourself for it.